3 Arrests, A Police Lineup, and a 2-Day Trial (Part 5.75)
In case you are not caught up at at all on my shenanigins: Part 1 | Part 5.5
Has anybody had a panic attack? Like a real one where you actually think, oh fuck, this is it, I’m just gonna die right here and you actually feel prickly pins and needles from your brain down to your spine and you feel like you need to text your mom you love her and that you’re sorry you didn’t call as much? Ok too deep for this blog so let me translate into my fuckery. To someone who hasn’t had a panic attack, it’s like being in the back of a red minibus and the driver is clearly a triad, because.. well, he has a fucking dragon tattoo from the 80s on his arm that’s so old it’s turning green and you yell “yau lok” to get off at your next stop but he doesn’t raise his hand so now you’re just there sweating wondering if he heard you and if you should say it again and potentially get yelled at or just trust the process. The amount of times I trusted the process and ended up in neighbourhoods that I had no business being in like what the fuck am I doing in Shun Lee. This lizard looking mf is still smirking as this man Mr. Hunter is shuffling so much paper I thought we was back to running poker with two decks in our TST house. His 3-piece suit no longer looks sharp, no longer looks dressed to kill. It’s starting to look more like that middle-aged Japanese salaryman mf you find in the bushes on the way to Shinjuku station. I forgot to mention that before the trial began, Mr. Hunter gave me a pen and a notebook to pass him notes in case of an absolute emergency and just when I was about to write “Palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy” he lets out a soft “aha.” He realises that he mixed up the timestamps on the actual .mp4 video file with the realtime that shit went down. “Sorry your honour for the delay, may I proceed?” The judge, Ms. Ho sighs and says, “Yes, proceed.”
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAN I ALMOST DIED OVER HERE BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T USE A POST-IT NOTE. OR AN IPAD. To be fair he looks like he would struggle with touch screen technology. You know how moms type with their index finger. Even the judge seems relieved. Ok it’s back to business. Fucking gametime, game 7, 4th quarter. He finally finds the right timestamp and lo and behold, it’s LL Fool J in Ozu on that fateful night. Mr. Hunter starts the video footage from the top, upon his entry, as he narrates. Keep in mind, he has the thickest Scottish accent. This dumb mf walks in with his bitch, fist pumping to hip-hop music as if it’s techno which is already 5-10 years with no parole. “Aha. You see? Wild dancing and waving of the arrrrms. Clearrr signs of intoxication.” I snorted to cover up a laugh. I need this guy to narrate my life. We watch him continue on with his tomfoolery, clearly drunk cuz he’s everywhere. “Aha! A stumble, have you not?” Bro what? This mf seems so proud he finally found the right timestamp and is chattin’ baaaare shit now. The video footage continues, now it’s at the part where he’s putting his arm around some stranger he just met and he clearly doesn’t like this new PDA from this slithery snakeskin mf. “Aha, upon my gander, it seems to me that they are not acquaintances at all and seems rather uncomfortable with his drunken behavior.” Ok relax there Gandalf you’re getting a bit too much with the vernacular. We get to the part where I’m taking the order for their drinks and I lean in to talk to his bitchass bitch (sorry I’m running out of disrespectful things to say about this ho. Respectfully.) to ask if she was okay because she looked like he was bothering her and he goes “Aha, my client showing compassion as he fears for the wellbeing of this young female patron.” Idk about young cuz she a banshee hag, respectfully, but ya go off then Frodo. He fast forwards a bit to the moment of truth where shit starts to go down. Joanna mixes up the credit cards by accident and after that it’s 3-4 minutes of footage of this guy taunting her, waving his arms around threateningly, pointing fingers at my face, chatting shit to Roberto. “Your honour, you see this man is clearly gesticulating belligerently at the staff.”
Hold the flying fuck up did this man just slide a 5-syllable verb and a 5 syllable adverb in the same mf sentence in the courtroom? This is HIS shit now. HE is the captain now. That suit looking crispy again, freshly ironed after a bender at 42. This mf woke up from the bushes, went home to shower, drank some Pocari Sweat and came back a new man. I immediately forgave him for the heart attack he put me through 6 minutes ago.
You can’t go to a Japanese outdoor festival without coming across some form of yakisoba and trust me there’s a reason why it’s such a popular dish. You ever walk into a Park N Shop or a Taste or something and see those yakisoba packs sitting next to the tofu but think to yourself, nah I can never make it as good as the yatai or a restaurant and keep your cart moving but yo, you can because your boy here about to give you the scoop. Of course, if you wanna go the whole 9 yards and recreate it just like in Japan or you wanna flex your mediocre cooking on IG in hopes of that person you like DMing you “wow that looks so good” to reply with “I'll make it for you” followed up with “Seen at 8:36PM” then you can go to Donki to get aonori (dry seaweed powder) and benishouga (red ginger pickles) because they add a nice colour which makes for a better picture but honestly speaking, you can do without and it will still taste delectable. Aight so boom, this part is not a must but definitely adds a fuckload more umami to your dish - get yourself some katsuobushi packs from Donki or your nearest Jap store btw I learned recently that Jap is a racial slur lol well then I guess I need to stop using the word and calling myself Jap Boy also known on the streets as Leonardo DiJaprio or Kylian Mjappé. So katsuobushi is when the Jap weirdos decided one day to dry out the fish called bonito….then shave it for some reason on some weird fetish shit and they somehow came up with the greatest shit ever which became 1 of 3 ingredients of dashi - the mother stock of Jap cooking. So get yourself some katsuobushi packets (they’re actually not that expensive), get you a leek, some bean sprouts, some pork belly, and these yakisoba packs and everything else you should already have in your pantry and if you don’t then step your game the fuck up how are you in your 30s without soy sauce. Absolutely no soy sauce will be used in this recipe. Make sure you close the elevator door on your neighbour running to catch it, get home, and open up a pack of this shaved fish into a bowl and throw that ho in the microwave for like 30 seconds. When you take it out the microwave these flakes should be moving on its own on some Paranormal Japtivity type shit like oh gosh you scared the Jap out of me now use your fingers to kinda crumple these things up until it becomes a powder. Open up one of these yakisoba packs and there should be some brown powder in a packet. Take this felonious dimebag of heroin and mix it in with the now-powdered katsuobushi and add like a tablespoon of sake, about half a tablespoon of mirin, a bit of oyster sauce, black pepper and a tiny bit of curry powder. You should be left with your sauce base and feel free to adjust according to your taste but that’s the gist of it - I’ve added a bit of sugar in the past too and it ends up a bit more sweet and savoury which I’m sure your third child from your third baby mama would like - but a lot of people don’t fuck with sweet so ya. Chop up some leek, figure out how to store the rest of this monstrosity of a vegetable in your fridge, chop up some garlic - and I didn’t mention this before but most typical recipes have cabbage and carrot too but honestly I don’t got the time to juliana some fucking carrots so you don’t either let’s keep it moving, and then you don’t even have to get your chopping board dirty cuz you can just hand pull the pork belly into pieces. Typical recipe here will use lard but I’m tryna get in shape for summer 2028 so I put some sesame oil into a pan and make sure you heat that bitch up nice and hot before you throw your noodles in because if not the oil will seep into the noodles and make it soggy which is a crime in Japan equivalent to jaywalking and then just cook the noodles, only the noodles. No need to loosen them up but you actually wanna burn it a bit because the char adds umami. Once both sides are golden brown like some Timberlands take the noodles out one time and leave it on the side like the person who you quite like but you just can’t get over how their Ice Bucket Challenge only got 3 likes back in 2014 then throw in your leek and garlic and again, char it a little bit then toss in your pork belly, salt and pepper accordingly. Allow the side piece noodles to re-enter the main stage of your life then add the narcotic mixture brown sauce and cook everything together. At this point, your kitchen should smell like a dope house because trust me you are currently cooking some absolute CRACK (I been to a crackhouse before btw it is hard to breathe 10/10 would not recommend just wait til I write a Yelp review) and then get your finesse on and do some stir fry pan tricks to make sure the sauce is distributed evenly and fairly like communism. (lol) Bean sprouts cook fast as fuck so you can just toss them bitches in for like the last minute because I like to keep the crisp texture btw try asking a Cantonese man to pronounce the word crisp they keep saying crips it’s hilarious cuh and then this last part is total preference. Some people will prefer an egg sunny side up here with some extra black pepper relinquished on top but I like to make a thin omelette to warmly embrace the noodles underneath then drizzle kewpie mayo and okonomiyaki sauce from a height creating a mess in the kitchen but I understand not everybody got these in the pantry (these are acceptable to not have, soy sauce is not). But yeah total preference. Sprinkle some aonori and garnish with benishouga if you actually went the extra mile to get these ingredients and yo, let me tell you, this will be in the top 2% percentile of best stir fried noodles you ever had and once you filter out this recipe by removing my fuckery analogies and shit, you will find out that it’s actually super easy to make and kinda hard to fuck up. Unless you’re one of those people who somehow manage to burn water then maybe stick to Uber Eats.
The footage is now showing this fuckface touching things on the bar to fuck with me while his witch from Left 4 Dead 2 is putting her arm out to try and stop him. Respectfully. Mr. Hunter has that smug look back on his face like Kobe after Matt Barnes tried fake throwing the ball at his face but that cold ass dude didn’t flinch one bit. Rest in Peace to the legend. “Aha, you see your honour? The need for restraint. Usually only occurs when one is the aggressor, is it not?” This man legit pushed his glasses up while raising an eyebrow as he said this. It’s over ladies and gentlemen. This mf is educating right now. Ain’t no fucking stopping The Hunter at this point. He probably practiced that eyebrow cockup in the mirror while synchronising it with the glasses lift. Mf think he Konan. It’s crazy because we then get to the part where even in the grainy footage, you can clearly see this guy mouth to Roberto “I’ll FUCK you up”. To which Mr. Hunter goes, “ehem, your honour, pardon my profanity, but if you look closely at his lips he clearly says “I’ll fuck you up” and I believe that is a direct threat where my client fears for the safety of his colleague.” This C U Next Tuesday is sitting in his chair with his eyebrows all scrunched like “I did not say zat” like shut the fuck up bro you got caught in 360p. I’m on the courtroom bench, nodding up and down like a proud dad watching his 3 year old son score on his own goal in soccer. You think I feared for Roberto??? LOOOOL this mf LOVE to fight. But I sat there looking concerned like he’s my baby bird who I had to protect from the evil snakes of this world. We get to the part where I “assaulted” him, where I push the guy out of Ozu. “Alright your honour, I’m sure the prosecution (he stressed that word while giving the sassiest eyeroll to skinny Ne-Yo without a hat on) would argue that was assault but I believe my client felt the need to use a reeeeeasonable amount of force to remove the immediate threat upon the premises that he manages.” I have never heard “We had to get this stupid muthafucka out of this bitch asap” translated so eloquently. The footage of the outside scuffle ensues where again, most of the camera is conveniently covered by the fan. But thank FUCK because the whole time I never disappear fully from the frame and it’s clear I’m being held back; if I did what this nunce said I did, then my arms would literally have to extend to twice its length on some Incredibles shit.
Mr. Hunter continues: “May I kindly ask… At what point in the video does my client assault you against the floor? The gate? Please state the timestamps for the courtroom.”
“Yes I would also like to know.” Judge Ho chimes in. We start watching the video, over and over again while Lord Voldemort is trying his absolute best to find a timestamp where I'm actually not in the frame. He finally finds a morsel of a second where my arm disappears for a tiny moment and he goes “Aha! Zis is when he assaulted me” but I'm right back in the frame the next second clearly being held back by Manny and even the judge goes “He's not out of the frame long enough” and that's when I developed a full auntie crush on Judge Ho because she was absolutely correct and we keep rewatching the video to no avail for this lying mf so in the end he just stammers “I don't know ze exact moment I was assaulted but I just know I was assaulted by zis man.” There's a Japanese proverb that goes “a drowning man will grab hay to try and float” and this mf was grabbing mad fucking hay I'll tell you that. My queen Ho just goes “Oh?” and ends it at that and now I'm sitting on the courtroom bench wondering if she likes younger men.
The Hunter starts with his concluding statement as he goes for the slam dunk. It ain’t verbatim obviously but the flow went something like this. “To conclude your honour, my client indeed possesses quite a tall stature. But considering the gate where the alleged assault took place is all the way over here, there is no possible way he could have extended his arm that far to commit said crime as you can see he is being held back by his colleague Manny. Moreover, although he does leave the frame for just one second, the prosecution is alleging that my client banged his head on the gate? The floor? Does he even know at this point? a total of……..foooour times? Ha.” This mf takes a moment to fucking chuckle in the middle of his closing statement. If that ain’t some gangsta shit I don’t fucking know what is. Ms. Ho is his ho rn. Nah jk I love her she is my queen. “Your honour, that’s just physically impossible in a span of one second, plain and simple. The prosecution will argue that the initial push makes my client the aggressor but based on the footage we saw just now your honour—it is clearrr who the rrreal aggressor is. I believe my client was wrongly accused of the crime he was charged with as he felt he used necessary force to remove the immediate threat upon his establishment for the safety of his colleagues and other patrons. Keep in mind your honour, many establishments especially during COVID could not afford security which means the staff must sometimes act as bouncers and what is the job of a bouncer you may ask? Is to throw people like this out for their intoxicated. Disruptive. Threatening. Behaviour. Needless to say we are amazed at how far this case has come as this just seems to be a classic case of a man’s damaged ego on a drunken night out and we ask you to drop all charges against my client immediately. Open to any questions your honour.”
Let me translate what he just said in short. “Bitch I know this mf tall for an Asian but you think his arms extend that far and fucked this guy up 4 times in ONE second? JET MUTHAFUCKIN LEE couldn’t do that shit. Is he fucking dumb dawg? He ain’t do nun, Ozu too broke for security so he the bartender AND security he had to do what he had to do this mf just salty that when he fell his shirt got ripped and his nipple was all out while his bitch watched boohoo cry me a river stop wasting the court's time and tata the fuck outta here. Free the mandem.”
It's the prosecution's turn to now ask leading questions to this wanker to defend himself against the case the Hunter just crucified him with. The prosecution lawyer, the sorta cute one who I want handcuffing me and hitting my wrist with a ruler steps up. I swear I could see she let out a little sigh because I’m sure that even she knows that defending this clown is gonna be difficult like math when they decided to include the fucking greek alphabet in it and is probably about to ask for a raise after her shift. She rewinds the video to the part where this guy walks in fist pumping to hip-hop music which is punishable by death in the Bronx and proceeds to ask her first question. “At the time of the incident, were you in fact intoxicated?” He replies with a confused face like algebra just woke up one morning and decided to include Japanese hiragana in it too. “Intoxicated? No I was not intoxicated. We had ze dinner at around 7:00PM, then go to a few bars at around 9pm, then finished off at zis establishment.” Keep in mind, this shit popped off at 11:57PM so this dumb mf just confessed to pretty much being out and about for almost 5 hours. It’s actually incredible that they let this mf be the regional director of whatever the fuck it is that he does when he’s got the common sense of a wilted cauliflower. Mr. Hunter suddenly pipes up from his little corner:
“AND DID YOU PERHAPS HAVE ANY ALCOHOL WITH YOUR DINNER?”
“Yes, yes I did.”
“AND DID YOU PERHAPS CONTINUE TO DRINK THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT AS, YOU SAY, YOU WENT TO OTHER BARS PRIOR TO MY CLIENT’S? I KNOW THAT AT LEAST, BACK IN MY DAY ONCE I HAD ONE DRINK I WOULD HAVE ANOTHER, AND ANOTHER.” This shit is starting to feel like the most intense Alcoholics Anonymous meeting ever. I’m cheering Mr. Hunter on in my head like “YEE MR. HUNTER DROP YO HISTORY TALK TO EM ABOUT YO PAST LET EM KNOW YOU SEEN THE LIGHT!!!!”
“Yes, perhaps I may have had a couple drinks.”
“A COUPLE, YOU SAY? HOW MANY IS A COUPLE?”
I’m not even sure at this point if Mr. Hunter is supposed to be talking but the judge lets the shit slide and same with the prosecution because I don’t hear any “Objection your honour”s.
“I would say about…. 8 or 9.”
“8 OR 9 THAT YOU REMEMBER, CORRECT? DO THESE INCLUDE SHOTS?” Jesus this man is really tallying up every droplet of alcohol this clown may or may not have had that night. In my head I’m thinking YEE MR. HUNTER GO FOR HIS THROAT FUCK HIM UP!!!
“I remember everything. I was not ze drunk at all.”
“NOT DRUNK YOU SAY? Your honour… if I may.” I mean he definitely already been speaking out of turn but now he’s asking for PERMISSION to continue speaking out of turn so I feel like he’s about to be on some savage shit. “Proceed.”
“HOW WOULD YOU EXPLAIN YOUR ACTIONS OF GESTICULATING AT MY CLIENT AND HIS COLLEAGUE, POINTING AT THEIR FACES. WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU TELL THEM?”
YEE MR. HUNTER THIS GUY WAS GESTICULATING LIKE A MF ALL NIGHT! ME AND BERTO FELT SAD HURT AND THREATENED!!!! TELL THESE MFS HOW WE FEEL!!! MEN GOT EMOTIONS TOO!!
There was a slight pause because clearly he doesn’t remember ever doing this shit and now he’s on the spot. “I was eh.. I was simply pointing at ze bottle that I wanted to purchase.” This was like the DUMBEST excuse I have ever heard and The Hunter capitalised like crazy.
“WAS THE BOTTLE THEIR FACE?” JEEEEESUS bro who let this mf out the trenches of Scotland!?!?!?
This guy is starting to look like the defendant now LOL how the turns have tabled and he’s increasingly getting angrier. “The bottle is behind zem I was simply pointing at ze bottle that I wanted! I was not drunk at all!!!”
“SO ACCORDING TO YOU, MY CLIENT, COMPLETELY UNPROVOKED, CIRCLED THE BAR AND ASSAULTED YOU AND BANGED YOUR HEAD ON THE METAL GATE 4 TIMES oh by the way you said floor which contradicts your initial statement ehem haha OVER A SIMPLE CARD DISPUTE!?”
Stop right there. Watch clip 1. And watch clip 2. At this point I’m 2 seconds away from getting up from my seat and shouting “TALK. TO. THIS. MUTHA. FUCKA.” while clapping with each syllable. This man just interrupted himself, ehemed himself and added in a chuckle and destroyed this whole man’s argument. This shit is so adrenaline rush I feel like giving the biggest dap to Mr. Hunter and chest bumping him in the middle of the courtroom like we just won the Eastern Magistrate Finals. I just wanna bring him to the Chungking Mansions so one of the homies can give him the N word pass. I just wanna introduce him to all my criminal friends to give him some business so his kids can have a better life. I wanna take him to Tony on Temple Street and get matching neck tattoos. I want him to speak at my wedding with Netflix providing subtitles because there is no way my mama would understand his accent.This man is CERTIFIED.
“….Yes. I was paying for ze drink, I got frustrated because of ze cards, and before I know it this man is in front of me att-“
“No further questions your honour.”
Bro. Let me tell you how badly I wanted to just shout in that courtroom at Mr. Hunter’s absolute savagery. THAT’S RIGHT HE JUST CUT YA ASS OFF! NO FURTHER QUESTIONS BIIIITCH! SIT YA LYIN ASS DOWN AND CALL UPON YO BITCH SO WE CAN EMBARRASS HER NEXT! Respectfully. My mind was in absolute hypeman mode. The prosecution lady isn’t saying shit, she already knows at this point that she lost with this witness and now her job is to shake me up when I get called to the stand. This one is a lost cause, like that trust fund kid who wants to join a street gang and being sent to his room isn’t a harsh enough punishment anymore.
The judge dismisses this lying ass piece of shit because even the prosecution doesn’t have anymore shit to say and I can tell he’s frustrated as fuck as he’s asked to leave the courtroom and again, he has to walk past me to leave and me being the absolute child that I am made sure he heard me say “The floor huh” as I let out a quiet mocking high pitched giggle because I’m immature and I’m a Scorpio and I want him to know that he has the IQ of a family pack of frozen dumplings.
“I will now like to call upon, defendant, Yuri Tomiyama to the witness stand.”
Aight here we go. Gametime.