Airport Jail to 7-Day Quarantine (Part 2)

Ok ya I left you guys with a “cliffhanger” (I put quotes there because there’s not really a punchline) but I had to double check with my lawyer to see if this next part is okay. Had to delete like 2 paragraphs but it’s ok in the name of freedom. Part 1 is here in case you missed it.

“WANTED” is a pretty big fucking word. I was in the cell with a mf who didn’t pay his cigarette littering fine and a 19 year-old who had a senior citizen Octopus card. You know the green shits that let you ride the tram for a dollar, HK shit. Remember that scene in Longest Yard where Caretaker sees that his score is half a star and feels like he needs to stab somebody? I’m not saying we should be respecting crime but at least put me in there with a drug dealer or something, I’m in there with the Park-N-Shop value pack of criminals.

Anyway, what kind of fuck-ups do you also have to be as immigration officers to LET ME OUT THE CITY but get all sensitive when I come back??? I mean, I’m doing YOUR job at this point. Like… yo if I was really a criminal, you failed 18 days ago when I left buddy, I’m busy organising illegal chicken fights in Manila now. I’m jaywalking in Ouagadougou now, real menace type shit. Harry started off mad hostile and both Ron and Hermione weren’t helping because Ron was an older, higher-rank guy approaching menopause and Hermione was definitely a rookie who wanted respect from the higher-ups. You know, the type of person to sit in the front of class at the academy and would raise their hand while slightly bouncing when they knew the answer to a question - thus, Hermione. 10 points to Gryffindor. Lucky for me Harry sik teng yat di ying man so I got to break down my situation to him. 

Harry was maybe in early to late 30s (you can never tell with us Asians honestly), a bit pudgy but in a cute, Doraemon-like way, glasses ofc, and started to warm up after I told him that the police in the other district already dismissed my case a year ago, and that I went through literally all the proceedings. Now they’re all confused and arguing amongst the three of them as to what to do with me - remember that scene in Harry Potter where they’re discussing what to do with the Marauder’s Map - and then Harry apologises and says that this is all a formality but I am still technically “arrested” for “fleeing the country” (LOL FLEEING). 

Harry, Ron, and Hermione lead me further into the back of the airport where not even Coronavirus goes after 6PM and open the door into an interrogation room. This room is long as fuck, locked from the OUTSIDE - meaning the officers are locked in with me, no windows, and definitely looks like people have stayed in here for days - smells like negativity, with two cheap desks and some plastic chairs and scratches on the walls. It looked like a daipaidong without food. Without people. Without noise. Without joy. It did not look like a daipaidong I take it back. This wasn't the Chamber of Secrets but definitely airport jail or something close to it. For the sake of an SEO-friendly title I’m just gonna call this airport jail. I look at Harry wondering if this kind gentleman who has shown me some sympathy was about to beat the brakes off of me on some split personality-Gucci Mane before jail type shit. I was in slides too and nobody wanna get beaten up in some baby blue Miniso slides with socks under. $35HKD though. Miniso seenzoned me when I tagged them in a story btw smh. 

But nah, Harry tells me that this is where they’ll do all the standard paperwork for this new case of me “fleeing” and asks me how much money I got. Now I don’t know where you’re from but my mama ain’t never raise me to tell another man how much money is in my wallet especially when it’s 3 mans vs. 1 and 3 of these mfs are actually strapped. I travel with cash only so I know that deep in my bag under the Family Mart konbini sandwiches and onigiris that I brought over from Japan, that I got enough money to ball out in the Philippines for 9 days. Make it rain lumpia in the club, extra Mang Tomas sauce on everything and a tower of Red Horse for each member of the squad type shit. I’m not sure if this is a test of some sort but I blurt out a number that I can afford - $900HKD which I think was the amount that was in my wallet - and sure enough, yes. I am a sicko. I had $900 in my wallet so my bail is set at $500. The inner Temple Street in me is telling me to bargain but this isn’t really a fake Gucci belt I can pretend to walk away from then come back to, so $500 it is. 

We’re all sat at these desks. Ron moves his desk against the tattooed wall which he keeps as his own and starts playing mahjong on his phone - I could have levitated 8 feet into the air while singing the Chinese national anthem in Swahili and he clearly wouldn’t give a single fuck - Hermione is actually eager to do the paperwork and now Harry is looking at my ID as if it was written in hieroglyphics and then I realise he’s trying to actually pronounce my last name and learns I’m Japanese. He starts talking to me about the old days where he used to go to Nagano to snowboard 4-5 times a year and how much he loves Japan. My stomach is teach me how to dougie-ing with delight because now I feel like I got an actual friend in that room with 3 guns vs. me in Yardbird socks and slides. We start talking about my job as a bartender, how he used to drink but can’t anymore because he’s married and I tell him sun fu, sincerely, and now we’re hitting it off while Ron scoffs at his mahjong and Hermione is busy scratching Potions recipes into his notepad. I take my chance to ask him the real questions - “yo do I gotta call my lawyer for this” and he goes “Pshhhhh no laaaa.” You know when the laaaa is mad long that they fr fr., the equivalent of kasamh se bhai in Hindi. Ok, check. I ask him if I gotta go back to JAIL jail tonight and he says “No laaa, government say quarantine more important than anything right now, and that includes jail, you lucky wor”, and I was delighted until I realised jail food and quarantine food is interchangeable like 7-Up to Sprite but guaranteed sleep in a bed should never be taken for granted. He tells me I just need to check-in at the station after quarantine to review my case which is fine. It’s like a pimple on my ass, it’s inconvenient but I ain’t finna die. 

Somewhere along the way I discover that he too likes to drink at Donki on his days off so if you ever see any 5-0 in my MVs just know they’re all sickos. At one point I offer him some cookie cream sandwiches from Japan from my bag and I can see it in his eyes that he really wants some but can’t cuz Ron’s lil’ KJ (killjoy for all the non-Filipinos} ass is in the corner sulking cuz presumably, he getting whipped in mahjong. After a while, we finally part ways and lowkey it’s bittersweet. He says “Hope to see you again!” and I tell him “No offence but I hope not!” and we both giggle and we probably looked mad cute and wholesome in that airport jail. Ron was disgusted. Fuck Ron. Hermione was aight tho. 

Finally, I’m released from police custody, escorted into my OWN quarantine bus, duck all the traffic because it’s already 9:30PM, and get to Best Western. Chauffeur with a limousine type shit. I think I mentioned in part 1 that I will be reviewing the Best Western SYP. Good space, good price ($4800 for 7 nights), I combined my two twin beds to make one huge bed because that’s all they had available, food ain’t as bad as what the expats on Facebook groups are saying, too many fucking mirrors I don’t wanna see myself shitting panoramically, deliveries come up fast, room wasn’t dirty at all, and I got a 24-pack of VITA water so I’m hydrated as fuck writing this. (edit: I took all the water when I left, why is HK so fuckin’ expensive) WiFi is shit tho, it’s faster to transfer the Candy Shop ringtone between two Nokias than load a single webpage. Forget about porn it ain’t happening, I hope you have photographic memory. Checkout process was lightwork, they let me leave on my own and I just had to pass the paper to the only guy working at the hotel that night. K that’s all for the review. I’m currently on my second day out of quarantine, just glad I don’t have to do 21. Shoutout to everybody who brought me food while I was in there, I can’t thank you enough.

I don’t know what the moral of the story is. Some cops are good? Don’t wave to babies on the plane if you don’t know if you’ll get arrested in front of them or not? Close your eyes while you shit in Best Western so you don’t get a 360 degree angle of yourself? Either way, even if nobody reads this I thoroughly enjoyed writing this and if you did make it to the end of my first blog post, thank you! Don’t know where I’ll go with this blog but I guess the influencer-type shit to say here is, stay tuned. I don’t know for what though tbh. But I guess stay tuned. Ew. Ok tata for now, call your mama and tell her you love her while you can.