3 Arrests, A Police Lineup, and a 2-Day Trial (Part 1)

PART 1 - THE NIGHT

I don’t even know where to start with this story, but last night I blacked out and barely made it home alive so I’m deathly hungover and what better way to fight the elevated sense of depression and hangxiety than to pretend to be funny on the Internet. As some of you may already know, I was fighting a court case for 2 years for assault occasioning bodily harm and I didn’t really take it too seriously like multiple choice exams until they opened my case up again and decided that I need to go to trial. Seriously, my case was weak to begin with like steroid dick so even the Anti-Triad detective (LOL) that had to arrest me afterwards told me he thought it was BS and “main office have too much time la”. This isn’t what I pay my fucking taxes for. I mean I haven’t paid in 2 years but that’s besides the point. Shoutout to Mr. Wong tho he a real one I hope you have good metabolism for life and your kids grow up to be whatever they want to be. I already touched upon my arrest in my first blog post but at the time my lawyer told me to leave certain details out because it was an open case but now I can say whatever the fuck I want about it… sorta. I don’t know how long the statute of limitations is for shit like this hahah. I guess I’ll take you back to the night I got arrested for the first time in Ozu. Names and other shit have been edited LOL the real ones who were there that night know. Actually fuck it, we innocent I’m not gonna change any names. 

So me and defendant #2, aka my lil bro Roberto, were working the bar at Ozu on a Friday night as per usual and shit was lit as always. We were busy making drinks that were 3 times stronger than the standard U.S drink which should have been a crime in itself for at least one count attempted murder and everybody’s having a good time - it’s the end of October which meant it was everybody’s birthdays - including mine which was just 5 days after, so the vibes is crazy. This was the short period of time that we got to open up again during COVID too - does anybody remember Halloween 2020 in LKF? That time. LIIT like Long Island Iced Tea. Me, Berto, and defence witness #1, Manny aka my boss, are all smiles and living good. Money was coming in, I’m on like my 11th shot of JD, pretty girls are asking me to come drink with them and I gotta act busier than I actually am, we can feel the hate and jealousy from the other bar managers on the strip whining like “They can’t keep getting away with this!” Cry me a river with your weak ass 30ml pours. Life is good at #1 Hollywood Road.

Here comes this mercury in retrograde forever, LBH (loser back home, shoutout to Kenny from Yardbird for teaching me this vernacular), straight out of the AMEX black card douchebag directory, ‘I am a foreigner in Asia and all you Asians are beneath me’ MF. Let me describe this fucking cunt to you. Tall, skinny but sorta built, bald, lizard eyes, ugly sneery face probably from all that foreigner superiority complex. Kinda like Stewie Griffin but vertical not horizontal. He was racially ambiguous - later I found out that he’s Mauritian but at the time I just thought he was a lightskin American dude who faked a French accent to get easy pussy which should be punishable by jail time for impersonation if you ask me but whatever. He could have passed as the inspiration for Slenderman but they realised the face was too ugly so they were like nah, just make it a blank face he look better that way. So I didn’t notice this gecko from the GEICO commercial at first because I was busy having too much fun then he decides to order at the bar - ok, no biggie. I already noticed Mr. Potatohead on meth earlier in the night because when he first walked in, he was dancing around like them inflatable tubes outside car washes, swerving without turn signals, loudly telling his life story to a confused white guy who didn’t give a flying fuck but was politely nodding, that type of behaviour. I actually noticed him talking to this Asian girl before ordering and it looked to me like he was tryna freestyle rap in her ear and she definitely wasn’t feelin’ it. Let me describe her to you, mid 40s but dress like she 18, dyed brown hair, not very tall, looks like she only dates younger men. Kinda looks like Mrs. Puff from Spongebob. This was when I leaned in closer to her and asked her if she was okay (like the amazing, compassionate, caring bartender that I am, tyvm) and if he was disturbing her and she said no, it’s fine, he’s just really drunk. I WISH I NEVER ASKED THIS BITCH ANYTHING ROT IN FUCKING HELL. Ok that’s important later sorry for the outburst. My Twitter fingers almost turned into trigger fingers just now tho. 

I don’t quite remember what the skull emoji ordered, because I was already getting pretty disgusted by his attitude, clicking his fingers, not saying please or thank you, rushing me when there was a bar full of people I had to deal with. I would never spit in somebody’s drink cuz that’s just disrespectful to my own craft but damn I really wanted to put laxative or something in his shit cuz sometimes karma ain’t fast enough, on God. Multiple times, prosecution witness #1 (oh shit is this a spoiler alert well ok it’s spoiled), aka the fucking bitch he was talking to, would actually have to hold him back because he would just be pointing in our faces and just being disrespectful. Roberto was increasingly getting impatient too but I kept telling him to not say shit, it’s not worth it. Roberto’s like my cute lil bro who’s always smiling and happy go-lucky. He got tats and fights tho LOL. Caillou with a tan pays for his lil’ generic ass order with his card (really, 2 tequila shots, a fruity cocktail for the bitch and a gin tonic I mean, how unoriginal can you get I just remembered), so I pass the card to Joanna, our Ozu mama, who is at the cashier and I just go back to serving the other, far more important and nicer people in the bar. I totally forget about Thin Diesel because as I mentioned, it was all good vibes and I wasn’t about to let some piece of shit ruin our night. 

Then Tyrese on heroin starts cursing at Joanna because she accidentally switched the cards and this mf making it seem like we stole his holographic Charizard. Keep in mind, this is COVID times so we had to close at 12 and it was 11:54 (trust me I remember every fucking timestamp) which means that Joanna was busy running like 14 cards cuz everybody was leaving so it’s a completely honest mistake. All we gotta do is void the mistaken payment and run it again, which is like, 3 mins, tops. That’s cup noodle time bro. 3 packs of minute rice. Must feel like an eternity for you tho since that’s how long you last on a good day you stupid mf. Mrs. Puff is apologising and desperately trying to find ways to solve this so they can just leave. At this point Common with no musical talent is causing a huge scene, pointing his finger quite close to my face, waving his hands around, calling Joanna a bitch, if we had a bouncer he would have been gone yesterday type shit. That’s already crossing the line because Joanna is like 4ft11, can probably drive a car standing up (jk) and she’s adorable and that’s moms right there. I’m tryna close the bar at this point and he’s not letting me because he’s sneering and touching shit on the bar to fuck with me so I have to push his hand away - at this point I’m doing mad breathing exercises trying to remember Bible quotes I seen on some thot’s IG page about forgiveness cuz I’m about to lose it and this when Roberto says to him “Yo stop touching shit on the bar yeah?” To which he goes, “I’m just taking the piss on him yeah? What, you got something to say?” while sneering. Lord Voldemort and Roberto exchange a few words and then he flat out goes - “Step outside the fucking bar mate, I’ll fuck you up.” Your honour, I felt that was a direct threat of violence and I genuinely felt scared for the safety of the entire venue, staff, and other patrons. Shoutout to my lawyers who taught me how to talk like that. Lord knows ain’t none of us scared LOL we deep up in there. Anyway a direct threat was made. Green light. 

The guardian angel that must be so tired of me at this point cuz it works overtime with no pay suddenly sprung into action and as me and Roberto circle the bar, instead of punching him, last second I change my mind and just, lightly push him. Remember when Michael Jordan went up for the dunk but then at the last second switched to the left for a layup? And the crowd went crazy? The FINESSE. Terrible analogy but I just wanted to compare myself to Jordan. Keep in mind, he’s blacked out so he tumbles over like … tumbleweed. Sorry it’s 5:11AM so I’m getting lazy with my similes. But thank GOD for my guardian angel because if it was a punch then the case would still be going on right now. But he doesn’t fall because like I said, I actually didn’t really push him hard enough and after that it’s a ruckus because he’s charging back at us and everybody’s holding everybody back, his bitch is screaming, people are whispering “oh ya he deserved that”, chairs are flipping, babies crying, someone broke a nail. The point is, after the initial contact, I couldn’t reach him anymore and that’s on everything. Aight so boom, one thing led to another and he falls on himself and bangs his head on the gate and his shirt is ripped from being pulled back and it’s funny because it’s just the nipple part exposed so even in such a serious moment I remember thinking in my head “damn his titties just gon be out like that?” He’s on the floor looking confused, bamboozled, flabbergasted, nipple out, wallet and keys on the floor. I think some change fell out his pocket too. Like $8. Get you a McChicken and tata the fuck outta here bitch. At this point I’m still being held back but I just say “man fuck you, you ain’t even worth it” and both me and Roberto go back in and finish up the closing of the bar. Gonna give myself a pat on the back and say that’s some real bartender shit right there cuz if I’m going to jail let me clean my bar first. Manny hands He Who Must Not Be Named his things and in his Chris Tucker voice said “You got knocked… THE FUCK OUT!!!” Nah I’m joking. But he gives him back his stuff and said just go home man. Police are everywhere at this point but nothing happens yet and we finish closing the bar and leave and head the other way. We’re actually watching the whole scene unfold from Cali-Mex across the street as if we weren’t responsible for any of it hahah I think we went out that night too LOL. The point is, it literally happened like this - dickhead shows up drunk, mistreats staff, makes direct threat, gets pushed out, trips on himself, finally forced out. So I actually didn’t think anything of it. THEN WE GET ARRESTED THE NEXT DAY.